“When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide” – Demons, Imagine Dragons

Tapering is hard. It is harder than training. I’m convincing myself that I am losing fitness, that I should be doing more but I know that is not true. It is hard when you are addicted to something and you have to cut back.

This week has been a little tough. My soleus is strained from the 15 mile tempo run on the treadmill and my PR for the 5 miles at the Raleigh City of Oaks. It hurt a lot more than I would want two weeks before my marathon. I did not run on Tuesday. By Thursday, I was mean and testy. I saw Smruti on Thursday for an emergency appointment and she did Graston on it until I turned black and blue. It was much better. I was hopeful. I got stuck on the treadmill on Thursday night because it was dark, foggy, I had the kids and there are no sidewalks out where I live. It hurt more after the treadmill. She says she thinks I can still do the race. I just need to be careful between now and then and rest as much as I can.

I headed out for my last long run with Sara and Nancy at the crack of dawn on Saturday. I had planned 12 but could barely make it 7. My soleus hurt. A lot. Sara and I made it back to the store at 7.5 miles and I told her I felt like I should do more, that my leg was feeling better. She said I should rest. Could it be that it now takes me that long to warm up? She left and I ran another 3 miles to hit over 10 (sorry, Sara).

I can’t say I am not worried. I can’t say that major doubt is not creeping in because it is. The demons in my head are telling me that I should not be sitting around. They are saying that maybe my soleus and IT band will give out on me at mile 18 of the race. I need to stop the noise in my head and how do I normally do that? I run. See the dilemma? Instead, I am working on an epic 26.2 playlist for Philly. When I was 21 and had just graduated from undergrad, I worked at the CDC AIDS/HIV hotline. It was a good job with a great bunch of folks, many of whom were also gay. After work, we would head out to a gay dance club in Durham called the Power Company. I first learned about remixes at this club. We would dance and dance to the great songs, mixed by the DJ. It was the best bar in the world because the women could dance as much as we wanted and no one paid any attention to us! I did have to buy all my own drinks, though. My Philly mix is heavy on dance remixes and nostalgic tunes.

Speaking of nostalgia, my 25th high school reunion was last night. I saw people, who had been very important during my formative years, who I have not seen in 25 years. I’m not going to say they stirred up “demons” but it certainly brought back a lot of memories. We live in a college town and a handful of us ended up at a dance club with the college kids. Apparently, it was 80s night or something because the DJ was playing all 80s songs, which was pretty funny considering none of the kids in that bar were even born when the songs came out and the songs all had meaning to us, the old folks. We pretty much took over the dance floor. I guess we can still party like it is 1989! I’m adding more 80s songs to my mix. The nostalgia from my memories, tied to those songs, will keep my mind occupied on what I hear is a pretty brutal out-and-back for the last 13.1 after the half mararthoners finish their race.

I also received a pretty upsetting piece of news from Dimity. I will let her tell people as much and in what way she wants to about it but I will say that I will have to dig deep into my mental fortitude during the last half of this race to a level I am not sure I can. The demons are screaming loudly about this one.

 Chapel Hill High School, Class of 1989. Once upon a time, my wild curls were actually in style – no perm necessary! At least curly hair products have improved in 25 years!